Mar 7, 2024 9 min read Couples and Families

Passionate work and family relational health and harmony: Accomplish your mission and care for your family

Help for mission-driven individuals to clarify their values and improve their relationships without abandoning their mission.

Photo by Rodeo Project Management Software on Unsplash

Objective: Strengthen relationships while accomplishing other goals.

Outline: Introduction, definition, a common relationship challenge, being mission-focused for non-mission-related reasons, planning, key takeaways.

Definition: "Mission-Driven"

For this post, a "mission-driven" individual is someone who is passionate about doing a particular thing in their lifetime and whose lifestyle is oriented toward accomplishing it.

Potential examples of "mission-driven" individuals

International relief and development workers
People in ministry
Nonprofit workers
Entrepreneurs and business owners
Creatives and thought leaders
Health care, mental health, and social service professionals
Legal professionals
Educators
Fill in the blank: _____.

Zero-sum thinking complicates a common relationship challenge

Zero-sum thinking argues that if one party gains, the other loses. Arguably, this logic is embedded in the experience of human ancestors who competed for limited survival resources. In stressful conditions, survival logic may dominate.

Unsurprisingly, family members may believe that they're competing with "the mission." Time and energy given to it is time and energy that they've lost. The mission-driven family member may also believe this. While it is true to a degree, it lacks nuance and may play a role in sustaining conflict and preventing the family from finding mutually agreeable, practical solutions to problems.

Family members may think that they're competing with "the mission" and believe that its gain is time and energy that they've lost.

When operating under the logic of zero-sum thinking, one or more parties believe that, to resolve the problem, the mission-driven individual must choose between the mission or the family: cease mission-focused tasks or ignore or "delegate" family-related needs and activities.

Human beings do have limited time and energy. If you don't intentionally distribute time and energy to a life context, person, or project, it likely won't receive any. However, it may not be true that giving time and energy to one thing automatically results in having insufficient time and energy for another. While it's more challenging to have goals for more than one life context, it's not impossible to make progress toward more than one goal.

A factor frequently left out of people's calculations when assessing time and energy distribution across life contexts is the impact of unproductive internal or interpersonal conflict. Unproductive conflict steals energy from all life contexts. By converting unproductive internal or interpersonal conflict to productive conflict by transforming conflict into a shared plan of action, increased trust, and personal and relationship growth, people can change their interpersonal dynamics, which will strengthen their relationships and leave them with more time and energy to accomplish goals in all life contexts. Moreover, when you reduce unproductive interpersonal conflict, you're likely to resolve unproductive internal conflict, also.

By making unproductive conflict productive, people can change their interpersonal dynamics, which is likely to give them more time and energy for other uses.

The following section describes potential dynamics at play within the mission-driven individual and in their relationships. Guidance follows for mission-focused individuals to convert unproductive interpersonal conflict to more productive conversations and personal reflection. Information obtained from productive conversations and reflection can be used to create a plan to improve a mission-driven individual's mental and emotional health and relationships while still making progress toward mission objectives.

Describing a common family challenge

Mission-driven individuals might experience tension or outright conflict when partners and other family members believe that they are more committed to accomplishing their mission than they are to them. At times, even the most loving mission-driven individuals may discover that they are focused almost entirely on their non-family-related mission and acting in ways that their partner or other family members consider neglectful.

Often, mission-driven individuals are working so hard to accomplish their mission that they are anxious, overwhelmed, and exhausted. When they come home, they may have limited energy or patience.

Meanwhile, family members have been busy, too. Each have had their own challenges. They may have been waiting all day (or weeks or months) for their mission-driven partner or family member to return and now they need to consult on important questions and make critical decisions, and, also, want support, care, attention, and interaction.

For instance, the home-based partner may have been overseeing everyday operations: working, paying bills, household chores, home maintenance, and supporting children's education, mental health, and everyday health and wellness. When the mission-driven individual returns, the home-based partner may want their partner to take over some of these everyday family responsibilities, discuss family challenges, or make important decisions.

It's only a matter of time before this becomes problematic. Everyone has important needs and powerful feelings that naturally surface when those needs aren't met. Each person is likely to feel uncared for. This often results in feelings of isolation, dissatisfaction, and lack of support, followed by tension or conflict.

Everyone has important needs and powerful feelings that naturally surface when those needs aren't met.

Clarify what is happening and identify needs, preferences, and values as starting points to decide what to change

If the situation described above is familiar, use the information below to consider what is happening, and make a plan to address any concerns that you identify.

Questions

Why am I often tired or overwhelmed?
Is the present situation completely out of my control or do specific personal habits or patterns contribute?
Am I overcommitted, being perfectionistic, or micromanaging others? What tasks can I delegate? Should I ask for help?
What is my partner (family member) telling me about their needs and about how they experience our interactions?
Are there ways that I can respond more directly to my partner's (family member's) needs or concerns?
Is it worth hurting or losing my partner (family member) to accomplish this mission?
Would it improve my life to decline or defer more requests, assignments, or opportunities? If it's not possible now, can I foresee a future time when it would be? Am I willing to consider alternatives (for instance, am I willing to change positions/roles, organizations, or switch to a teaching, training, or consulting job)?

While it's possible to accomplish both family and non-family-related goals, for both life contexts to flourish, both will need adequate care and attention. Unproductive conflict siphons off time and energy from constructive efforts to improve relationships and from accomplishing mission-critical tasks.

Unproductive conflict siphons off time and energy from constructive efforts to improve relationships and from accomplishing mission-critical tasks.

Identify your values, hopes, and dreams for the future and discuss them openly with your partner and other family members. Ask them about theirs.

Assess your reasons for being mission-driven

Being a person with serious intent to accomplish an important mission is not necessarily the reason that you may experience tension with others due to mission-driven behaviors. Being motivated to accomplish mission objectives doesn't make you destined for family conflict. When mission-drivenness leads to hurt feelings and fights, it's often because a person has other reasons to devote "unreasonable" time and attention to accomplishing the mission.

When mission-drivenness causes conflict, it's often because someone has other reasons to devote time and attention to the mission.

Your mission-drivenness may have become problematic for your family because:

You wish to feel vindicated, relieved of guilt or the discomfort caused by a person who disagreed with your life choices, questioned your capabilities, or doubted your ability to build a sustainable life and you believe that by accomplishing your mission, you will experience this.
You feel more competent in your mission-related role and tasks than you do in your home- and family-related role(s) and tasks. By focusing on mission-related tasks, you feel better about yourself and less anxious.
You believe that it's your responsibility to address global problems or social inequality and think that spending time on yourself or on family matters is inherently selfish.
You get into a flow state and appreciate its benefits, find you lose track of time, or forget to work on home-related projects.
Fill in the blank here: _____.

If any of these reasons seems to apply, remember that humans grow and priorities shift throughout life. There's no shame in discovering the need to shift some energy from one part of your life to another.

There's no shame in discovering the need to shift some energy from one part of your life to another.

Reflect on your typical daily life interactions and relationships in different life contexts and on your own personal needs and concerns. This might be a good time to reflect on how your everyday choices and patterns (particularly those related to rhythms of stress, rest, and recovery) contribute to a sustainable lifestyle. Note that regular rhythms of rest and recovery are necessary for living sustainably.

Consider getting an outside viewpoint. Can someone you know offer a useful perspective on your lifestyle and on how you interact with others? A therapist (for individual, couple, or family therapy) could be helpful in your exploration of yourself and of alternative ways of being and interacting. Whatever steps you decide to take, check in periodically to ensure that your efforts are moving you toward holistic progress toward accomplishing your life goals.

Convert what you've discovered into a plan

Review and turn reflection into action

Identify ways that conflicts may take time and energy that could be directed elsewhere.
Describe your life's vision, identify your values, and clarify how you would like family to factor into your life.
Assess honestly the reasons that you are focused on accomplishing your mission. How much is due to a pure desire to accomplish the mission apart from any other reason? Draw a pie graph of your various reasons for focusing on mission-related tasks.
What are your other reasons?
- To satisfy a person (living or dead) whose positive opinion you crave?
- To enjoy others' respect and positive feedback?
- To bask in the feeling of competency (through accomplishing vocational objectives), to control, or to avoid the discomfort of working on personal or family-related issues that you feel less skillful to address?

Clarifying your reasons for being mission-focused should make it easier to determine whether your decisions and values are aligned and to consider new ways of interacting that could improve your relationships and reduce the tension that becomes an obstacle to accomplishing other goals and makes your relationships feel burdensome.

Consider new ways of interacting to reduce the tension that becomes an obstacle to accomplishing goals and makes relationships feel burdensome.

Tips to convert unproductive conflict into productive conversation, reflection, and action

Listen.
Don't minimize the importance of your family members' needs and wishes or compare them with those of other people (like those experiencing poverty, famine, war, oppression, etc.) or to accomplishing your mission.
Take what you discover about yourself and your interpersonal patterns and the information that you receive from your partner or other family members about their needs and internal experiences as they interact with you and use it to explore possible win-win solutions. (As much as you can, maintain a growth mindset and avoid reacting with shame or anger.)
Decide what (specifically) you would like to change and create a tentative plan. Make objectives actionable and reasonable so that you'll know what to do and when you're making progress and so you won't get discouraged.
Adapt your plan, if necessary.

Reflect on your goals, values, attitudes, and behaviors to identify whether you're investing sufficient time and energy to achieve your goals.

Conclusion

Being a responsible and loving family member and accomplishing other life goals do not have to be mutually exclusive. However, it is important to reflect on your goals, values, attitudes, and behaviors to identify whether you are investing sufficient time and energy into both the family and the mission to see your goals for each achieved. You will not enjoy healthy, strong, and mutually supportive relationships if you do not invest in them.

Communicate clearly and honestly with your family about your values and needs, but be sure to listen to and respond thoughtfully to their values, needs, and concerns, also. Be sensitive to how much time and energy you are giving to the mission and consider the resulting impact on you and your family. Are you so invested in the mission that you have little left for anything else? If you are exhausted or overcommitted, examine the underlying reasons.

Slow down. Lean into, rather than avoiding, self-reflection. Decide on and actively work toward accomplishing specific, achievable daily life changes to redirect energy back to the family so that you can be a loving and responsible family member and the world-changer that you hope to be.

Key Takeaways

Moderate zero-sum thinking. Determine whether you have non-mission-related reasons to focus on the mission. Convert unproductive conflict into productive conversations, reflection, and action. Improving interpersonal dynamics should increase available time and energy. Assess whether your distribution of time and energy aligns with your values and overall life vision. If it doesn't, take specific, achievable steps toward redirecting time and energy to nurture stronger relationships and make steady progress toward your goals.

Resources

Stress into Strength: Resilience Routines for Warriors, Wimps, and Everyone in Between by Nick Arnett