Transform destructive conflict into effective communication and strong relationships: Support for family members of mission-driven individuals
Introduction: Partners and other family members of mission-driven individuals may question their mission-driven family member's love and commitment. You may get angry when you think that your family member is putting the mission above all else. You may feel lonely or worry about how you are going to accomplish important family-related tasks alone. This post will explore common interpersonal patterns, and provide suggestions for developing a personal plan to make internal and interpersonal changes to reduce angry, helpless, or hopeless feelings, increase well-being, and, hopefully, improve relationships.
"Mission-Driven" Definition
To be "mission-driven," for this post, means to have strong convictions about what one should accomplish during one's lifetime. Examples of people who may be "mission-driven" include:
- International relief and development workers
- People in ministry
- Nonprofit workers
- Health care, mental health, and social service professionals
- Educators
- Legal professionals
- Entrepreneurs and business owners
- Creatives and thought leaders
- Fill in the blank: _____.
A common challenge experienced by "mission-driven" individuals and their families
Do any aspects of the following scenario resonate?
Your partner (family member) is out in the world, in another part of the house, or on the phone focused primarily on mission-related tasks. You are juggling a variety of tasks for work or home and, often, managing these tasks alone: household chores and home maintenance; researching and making/implementing decisions related to family finances or your children's education or mental health; and/or initiating seemingly one-sided attempts to address relationship challenges with your mission-driven partner (family member).
It's possible that you're both feeling uncared for. Perhaps you're angry because your partner (family member) seems to be prioritizing the mission over you (your family). Your mission-driven partner (family member), may feel angry at you because of their desire for your support and for you to cut them some slack due to their stress, taxed energy reserves, and general state of overwhelm. They may think that you're insisting that they accomplish a seemingly impossible, but critical mission alone or they may be upset because you're unwilling to shoulder more responsibilities at home to facilitate their accomplishing the mission.
Consider how all this may lead to, impact, or sustain internal experiences of dissatisfaction, interpersonal tension, and feelings of being unsupported and alone for both (all) of you.
Strengthen communication to transform destructive conflict into constructive interactions
Effective communication can't occur without self-knowledge, clear speech, and the willingness to explore the other's perspective.
For relationships to be healthy and mutually meaningful, people must communicate effectively. Effective communication requires each person to know themselves and their needs and to be able to express them effectively to others and, also, to listen and respond thoughtfully. Consider where in your relationship any of these skills may be lacking or used less effectively than they could be.
No quick-fix solution can take the place of reflecting on what is happening internally and in your interactions, deciding what you'd want to do differently, creating a specific plan, and living out your decisions. The questions below are meant to help you to reflect on how you've interpreted past and recent experiences. Think about your feelings, values, needs, and concerns, and use this information to clarify what you'd want to be different. From there, plan and make specific, manageable changes.
Reflection questions
Use the following questions to improve your ability to share important information with your partner (family member).
- What are you feeling? What do your feelings tell you about your needs, and what you care for or are concerned about?
- What important needs or concerns do you think your partner (family member) should know about?
- What first attracted you to your mission-driven partner? Alternatively, what things about this family member do you appreciate?
- Do you believe that your partner (family member) values you and cares about and respects your needs?
- Have you tried to tell your partner (family member) how you feel? If so, how did that go? How did their response shape your later actions or conversations?
- What obstacles do you face in sharing your needs and concerns or those of other family members with your mission-driven partner (family member)?
- Do your interactions with your partner (family member) tap into familiar feelings, perhaps related to past relationships (of any kind: familial, romantic, work-related, etc.)?
- Can you separate strong feelings linked to past experiences from those that come up in your current relationship with your mission-driven partner (family member) or do these past experiences make your current fights worse? Intense feelings can make negotiating mutually agreeable, practical solutions to current relationship challenges more difficult.
The above is intended to provide a starting point to identify feelings and needs. Feelings are powerful tools for self-understanding and can provide a valuable guide for communicating with others about your needs and desires.
Feelings are powerful tools that can provide a valuable guide for communicating with others about your needs and desires.
However, if your feelings are so intense that you can't reflect on them constructively, consider getting professional support.
A therapist can help you to identify difficult-to-interpret or complex feelings, explore the source of these powerful feelings, clarify important needs, and build skills to work with your feelings rather than be controlled by them.
Move from reflection to action
Assuming that your relationship with your mission-driven family member is a safe one, consider the following alternatives.
Alternative 1: Do-It-Yourself: Share something important about your needs and preferences with your mission-driven family member.
Possible implementation steps
- Clarify your needs and preferences.
- Reflect on how often and in what ways you share with your mission-driven family member.
- Decide what you'd like to do differently.
Objective: Clarify your needs and preferences (example)
Ask yourself a foundational question:
How do you feel about your family member's mission? Do you share it? If not, why not? Is there something important that you need to share with your family member about how you feel about their pursuit of their mission?
Alternatively, ask yourself a practical, problem-solving question:
What practical changes can be made in your household to address important personal or family needs? Do you want your partner (family member) to come home for dinner? How frequently? Do you want them to put away their phone and/or computer when they come home? Do you want their help on a particular project or important family decision?
Use what you clarify as your needs and preferences as a starting point for discussion. Remember that both personal sharing and listening is important for effective communication.
Objective: Decide what you'd like to do differently (example)
Instead of ignoring my internal experiences or blaming my partner (family member), I will:
- Clarify what feelings I'm having and what they say about my important needs
- Share important needs with my partner (family member)
- Listen to my partner's (family member's) response to my sharing
- Ask about and listen to my partner's (family member's) important needs
- Explore potential practical, mutually acceptable solutions.
If our conversation gets heated, I will:
- Share my observations about what's happening
- Suggest that we take a break to cool off
- Suggest a time to return to the discussion if it seems necessary and workable for both of us.
Alternative 2: Get support to talk with your partner (family member): Explore what type of support might be helpful and appropriate.
Possible implementation steps
Consider what conversations are necessary to improve your relationship. Do you need support to have them?
- If you believe that you and your partner (family member) can have a healthy and productive conversation about the topic in question, decide together when would be a good time to discuss it.
- Do you need someone with whom to discuss, clarify, and refine your ideas before you communicate with your partner (family member)? Such a person should be able and willing to keep your confidences and offer sound advice.
- If you need someone else's support while you communicate with your family member, consider who might be a good person to ask. Decide what type of support you need. Do you just want them to sit in on the conversation to provide silent emotional support or do you want them to participate in the conversation in some way? Discuss this with the person in advance.
- If you ask someone to sit in on your conversation, it's best to invite someone that you both trust and respect who knows their own limitations and can recommend that you get professional help if what you need is more than they can provide.
- If you and your partner (family member) need help to communicate constructively, consider getting the assistance of a couple or family therapist.
Alternative 3: Get personal support: Determine whether you need personal professional support.
How confident are you that you could share important needs and feelings constructively?
If you are not ready or able to share important needs with your mission-driven partner (family member), consider contacting a mental health professional for individual therapy.
A therapist can help you to explore what's happening and your options. Even if your partner (family member) has psychological or emotional challenges that make it difficult for them to interact with you and others in healthy ways, you can make changes independently to improve your life, and possibly, your relationship.
You can make changes independently of your partner (family member) to improve your life.
Identifying ways that your own words and actions may contribute to, intensify, or perpetuate your conflictual interactions may feel uncomfortable at first. You might even feel like it's unfair to be asked to think about it. However, knowing your part in typical interactions can help you to experience greater confidence in your own ability to make changes and to improve your own life. You'll likely feel more powerful and discover options that you may not have known you had.
Would it be helpful to you or to your relationship for you to do any of the following?
- Identify, own, and assert your own needs and preferences
- Increase your ability to tolerate the anxiety or painful emotions that arise before, during, or after fights
- Practice listening.
If addressing problems constructively is difficult in your relationship with your partner (family member), consider whether it is hard at work and in other relationships, also. Unless you are able and willing to share with your partner (family member) how they impact you, they are unlikely to be aware of it. It's highly unlikely that your family member can read your mind; it's best not to assume that they can.
Likewise, if you find yourself frequently blaming others without reflecting on what changes you can make, shifting your focus from what others should do to what you can do can benefit you internally and interpersonally.
Working on relevant relational skills may improve your relationship, but even if it doesn't, it's still likely to result in personal growth, increased life satisfaction and improved feelings of daily well-being, and may even improve relationships in other life contexts.
Therapy for individuals provides focused attention. An individual therapist can help you to better understand yourself, your relationships, and your interactions; improve your ability to tolerate relational anxiety and interpersonal risk; build and practice assertive communication and listening skills; and support you as you work toward accomplishing your unique goals and objectives.
Conclusion
Changes in relational dynamics require each party to take ownership of what they can to move the relationship in a more positive direction.
Simply wishing that your mission-driven family member would act differently typically doesn't improve anything. Demanding that your family member take sole responsibility for desired changes also won't work. Changes in relational dynamics require each party to take ownership of what they can to move the relationship in a more positive direction. It may seem unfair, but consider this: if you make your own changes, you create an opportunity to feel better about things independently of your partner (family member) and by choosing not to blame your partner (family member), you'll also create a situation where it's more likely that they'll be motivated to collaborate to improve the relationship. Whether you work independently or collaboratively to improve your internal and interpersonal experiences with your mission-driven family member, you'll be more likely to experience daily life improvements and a more hopeful outlook than if things were to remain the same. Start with incremental, reasonable changes and if you also mobilize your support network to offer accountability, wise advice, or encouragement, you'll be more likely to stick with the changes and you won't face the challenges alone.